In other news, the invites went out yesterday and apparently, quite a few of the local peeps got them today already. :-o
me: It sucks how you can't predict Canada Post's reliability.
Mike: It could get there in a day... or three weeks. Yey!
:D
It's kind of a mixed bag of emotions. If it was a pie, it'd break apart kind of like this:
"Oh my gah! I have to get married!" - 15%
"Oh my gah! This wedding isn't all in my head anymore! It's actually real!?" 20%
"People have our invites, like, in their little hands. Huh." 20%
"I wonder if they'll come..." 18%
"I wonder if they understood the invite." 18%
"I wonder what their face looked like when they opened it." 55%
"Holy shit. It's in four months. I hope Mike still loves me then." 36%
"Man, this is so over 100% but I'm going to keep going anyway because my family always ends up with more than half a pie left, regardless of how many people attend the party." 4%
"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee..." 63%
"I wonder what my family's reaction was/will be." 22%
"Boo better survive till my wedding." 92% (He's having a bad night tonight.)
"I wonder who else I forgot to invite." 37%
I think that's about it. :D
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
"It's your day! ... Except you're doing it wrong."
Some of the elements of this wedding so far, in no particular order:
1. attire
2. cake toppers
3. rings
4. guest list
5. location/decor
6. main meal
7. cake
8. budget
9. photographer
10. date/time
11. flowers
12. invites
13. music
14. favors
15. veil
16. hair and make up.
And now, to make things complicated (and to make myself feel less antagonistic), the flack we've gotten so far for each one by number, rather than by title.
Keep in mind, this isn't an attack on anybody in particular. If you made a comment, odds are you are by far not the only one who made it. I'm just writing this all down for my own sake and for Mike's sake, because as the day gets closer, the flack is shifting from me to him and I just want him to know that we've made it this far and so far, everything is exactly as we want it so we don't have to start compromising now.
Oh, and I won't use quotes just because it's tedious. Also, it helps if you read each one with a quasi-judgmental, condescending tone. :D
And! last, but most important point before I start: the majority of these things have been resolved. But in the moment, these were things that were said to us (especially to me). I'm not holding a grudge or anything, so please don't misinterpret this for anything of the sort. Some of these statements were blurted out in shock (?), but since then, we have garnered support for almost everything so far. So yey, in the end. :D
Anyway, on with the list.
1.
Really? Pink?
Really? Flowers? Why so girly? Why so... froo?
You're not going to wear shoes? You have to wear shoes.
You bought it online?
They're wearing white?
Why wouldn't you get something traditional? You only get to be a bride once.
Oh come on! You need the full skirt!
If you don't wear the big dress to your wedding, I will!
Why are you making people dress up if it's a casual wedding?
2.
I don't get it.
That's... interesting?
They don't match.
Why a yeti and a bigfoot?
Yeti and Bigfoot don't live in the same geographical area. I don't get it.
But they're not edible.
3.
[We didn't get too much flack for these because we did it mostly privately.]
You bought them online?
They're probably not real gold. You should have bought from somebody you knew was reputable. [We did know they were reputable, which is why we trusted them with this...]
You're getting a wedding ring too? Isn't an engagement ring supposed to be both?
4.
You can invite whoever you want. Just not [list of people].
I'm calling to talk some sense into you because I heard about your guest list.
You're setting yourself up for failure.
You're setting yourself up for disappointment.
You're setting yourself up to get hurt.
It's better not to invite people who are busy because it puts too much pressure on them to have to say no.
It's better not to invite people who live far away because to expect people to come all that way just to see you get married is unreasonable.
I'll give you the addresses you need, but I don't think you should invite any of these people because I don't want to have to put them up or to find them accommodations.
If you invite [person], I won't come because [person] makes me feel like shit all the time.
If you invite [person they have a problem with], it's guaranteed that [person] will find a way to ruin your day just because they have a problem with me.
Don't invite the whole family.
You have to invite your mom. She's your mom.
You have to invite my friends. They're my friends. They invited me to their kids' weddings.
5.
[When we were thinking of buying a cottage to host it at]
Even if it's what you want, you can't buy a cottage now.
What if it rains?
You can't expect people to drive all that way.
[When we switched it to the arrangement we have now]
You can't fit that many people in your house.
You need a tent.
You need to rent tables and chairs. You have to have tables and chairs. People can't be standing around.
You should rent picnic tables. No, you shouldn't. People might hurt themselves.
You have to rent linens! How can you not be planning to rent linens!? You have to have linens.
Just rent a hall. You can't have everything.
At a certain point, you have to weigh what you want and what's reasonable and compromise and get a hall.
What if it rains?
How will people find the place?
You can't have everybody standing.
You're not going to make us stand for too long, are you?
What if you get there and there's somebody in the spot you wanted? You'll have to get there really, really early.
You're setting yourself up for failure.
[I'm surprised nobody has said anything about parking.]
6.
You're cooking at your own wedding? You can't cook at your own wedding.
Why would you want to stress yourself like that?
Why wouldn't you hire a caterer?
Why would you ruin your day like that?
You're not going to enjoy yourself.
Soup? In August? Ew.
Or you could just have finger sandwiches?
I'll bring the potato salad! (This one was a joke because everybody knows I will not stand for anybody bringing potato salad, aka food poisoning in a bowl. This concept ties into the next one.)
Make it a potluck. That way you won't have to worry so much.
There's no way you'll ever be able to figure out the quantities you'll need.
You're giving your guests far too many options.
I'm not saying you haven't thought this through, but I don't see how it's going to work.
Why are you having an informal wedding with so many guests? It's not going to work.
If you're adamant about having an informal wedding, why don't you just elope?
It's not going to turn out the way you expect.
You're setting yourself up for failure.
You're not having alcohol at your wedding?
What will you toast with?
You can't not have alcohol at your wedding.
Not having alcohol at your wedding is rude and disrespectful to your guests.
Why would you punish all of your guests because you're worried about a couple of drunks?
It's your day, you can do whatever you want, but I'll bring some wine. Or at least champagne for the toasts.
You're having a dry wedding? Nobody has a dry wedding. That's going to be so boring.
7.
Don't tell her I told you, but she's secretly making a cake. She's doing a practice run today.
You're not buying a cake?
I don't get it.
Why won't you just buy a cake?
You have to have a wedding cake!
How will you cut the cake? You can't cut a pyramid of cake balls.
You're making it yourself? You won't have time for that.
You don't realize how busy you will be before the wedding.
You're setting yourself up for failure.
8.
You have no money!
I hope you don't expect me to contribute anything.
You're not omitting things because of the budget are you? You're getting everything you want, right?
You have to spend the money! It's your wedding!
You have to spend the money! It's a once in a lifetime thing! We'll spend the money.
I hope you don't think this is some sort of contest because I can't match the help they offered.
[Just a note here- this section in particular, which is a sensitive subject for the people involved in it, has gotten resolved beyond anything we imagined. We still don't want to spend that much money because it is kind of a waste of money, but still, it's nice to have the support and to not have to worry about it so much. We are grateful.]
9.
I don't know what you expect your photographer to do, but you have to have the standard shots.
Why are you getting a photographer? That's a waste of money.
Why are you getting a photographer? Guests will take tons of pictures anyway.
Why not just get a local photographer?
Why this photographer? Why not shop around?
Why is the photographer such a huge chunk of your budget?
Forget it. We'll think of some other way to get pictures.
10.
September? People will be in school or too busy.
We're going away then, so you should pick a different day.
You should check with [whomever] before setting the day to make sure [that person] is free.
Why so early? The day's going to be so long! The people with kids won't like it. What? You expect everybody to leave by suppertime?!
11.
[When I was considering spray roses and vendela roses]
I looked for the flowers you wanted and they're too expensive. They're $3 each [i.e. not priced in bulk].
You're doing your bouquet yourself? You're not going to have time for that.
You want pink?
Just roses? Really?
[When I got my artificial flower bouquets on etsy]
You're not going to have real flowers?
Really? Fake flowers?
Really? Just white?
You got them already? Are you sure that's what you want?
12.
[This part will be relatively short, but for this one, above all the others, we got the same questions so, so, so many times from so many different people.]
I don't get it.
It's a bit too cynical for a wedding, don't you think?
Why would you want the picture on it to be scary?
Why teeth?
Why black?
Why not just use the original picture?
I don't get what you want to convey.
Why that size?
It has to be a card so people can open it up and sit it on a table.
Why do you have a map on it? Everybody has access to google maps now.
North isn't north on your map.
The lake is on the wrong side on your map.
The paper you want too flimsy.
You're not going to put the cigarette paper in it? Invites always have this weird cigarette paper in them. You should buy some rollies or something and stick them in there. [That one was a joke. I still haven't figured out what invitey cigarette papers he was talking about. :D]
13.
You're not going to dance? You have to dance.
You have to have a dance floor.
You're not getting a d.j.?
Princess, it's not funny. It really isn't. [That was Mike when I suggested we dance our first dance to "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow" by Amy Winehouse. :D]
14.
But you're not cat people.
They're not very pretty.
Ok, they're funny, but really, think of something else.
Sure, I'd keep mine, but think of something else.
They're not very romantic.
They're not very personal.
Why?
Shotgun two monocle kitties! [That wasn't a complaint so much as really funny.]
15.
I haven't gotten any flack for the veil. That's why I put that on here. Well, aside from the ladies at the store. They were a little clueless about how a veil with a comb would not work in thin short hair. But all in all, especially in the store, my entourage was pretty helpful and supportive.
16.
Hair and make up! Eee! I haven't even booked a thing or decided anything for this. I'm quasi-in-between hair people too. So it really is up in the air. Mike thinks I shouldn't wear make up at all, but naw, I think I'll wear some, but nothing too dramatic. I still want to be me. I'm hoping somebody can teach me how to do my make up so I can do it myself. We'll see. It might be too much pressure. All that to say, I haven't gotten any flack for this because I haven't decided a thing yet. :D
Anyway, so there you have it. A summary, albeit probably with tons of stuff missing, of all the flack. Add to that the general criticisms about how our wedding is unconventional, how we haven't thought things through, how by not doing things like the mainstream, we're setting ourselves up for failure or disappointment or regret...
It goes on and on.
It's at the point now where I really don't care what people think. Why didn't I invite Aunt X to my wedding? What if she asks? Let her ask. I'll tell her flat out why she's not invited. Why? Because I don't care. Why don't I care? Because people have been criticizing from the minute we announced our engagement and frankly, when you tell them however tactfully and carefully that you're going ahead with things the way you want them, they get hurt anyway, so fuck it. Very, very few people have considered our feelings in all this (and the ones who really have, thank you forever), so I'm done being diplomatic. If you can't understand the toll it takes on us, if you don't know us well enough to know we're both sensitive people and if you do know us well enough but just don't care, then I don't have any reason to try to spare your feelings about our wedding.
Because hey, we're not doing it wrong, we're not making a mistake, we do have our priorities straight, we are doing it the way we want to do it, we can do it the way we want to do it, we are able to pull off whatever we choose to pull off, we do know what we're getting ourselves into, we're not setting ourselves up for failure, regret or disappointment, we are being true to ourselves, our relationship and our future, and we have thought it through. All of it. Carefully.
And so far, everything has worked out magically.
Like my friend's mom used to say, when you're on the right path, the doors will open. By that logic, nothing in my life has ever been more right.
So Michael, even if we're the only ones who get it (even though we really aren't because we do have some strong support in our corner), it is our day and we can do it because we're a fucking awesome team. And the invite says it too- they're invited to witness the awesome. Until then, they'd better just work on not expecting us to have the wedding of their dreams and instead, get themselves ready for our wedding because there will be nothing else like it because there is nobody like us. *shrugs*
What if it rains? Bring it.
1. attire
2. cake toppers
3. rings
4. guest list
5. location/decor
6. main meal
7. cake
8. budget
9. photographer
10. date/time
11. flowers
12. invites
13. music
14. favors
15. veil
16. hair and make up.
And now, to make things complicated (and to make myself feel less antagonistic), the flack we've gotten so far for each one by number, rather than by title.
Keep in mind, this isn't an attack on anybody in particular. If you made a comment, odds are you are by far not the only one who made it. I'm just writing this all down for my own sake and for Mike's sake, because as the day gets closer, the flack is shifting from me to him and I just want him to know that we've made it this far and so far, everything is exactly as we want it so we don't have to start compromising now.
Oh, and I won't use quotes just because it's tedious. Also, it helps if you read each one with a quasi-judgmental, condescending tone. :D
And! last, but most important point before I start: the majority of these things have been resolved. But in the moment, these were things that were said to us (especially to me). I'm not holding a grudge or anything, so please don't misinterpret this for anything of the sort. Some of these statements were blurted out in shock (?), but since then, we have garnered support for almost everything so far. So yey, in the end. :D
Anyway, on with the list.
1.
Really? Pink?
Really? Flowers? Why so girly? Why so... froo?
You're not going to wear shoes? You have to wear shoes.
You bought it online?
They're wearing white?
Why wouldn't you get something traditional? You only get to be a bride once.
Oh come on! You need the full skirt!
If you don't wear the big dress to your wedding, I will!
Why are you making people dress up if it's a casual wedding?
2.
I don't get it.
That's... interesting?
They don't match.
Why a yeti and a bigfoot?
Yeti and Bigfoot don't live in the same geographical area. I don't get it.
But they're not edible.
3.
[We didn't get too much flack for these because we did it mostly privately.]
You bought them online?
They're probably not real gold. You should have bought from somebody you knew was reputable. [We did know they were reputable, which is why we trusted them with this...]
You're getting a wedding ring too? Isn't an engagement ring supposed to be both?
4.
You can invite whoever you want. Just not [list of people].
I'm calling to talk some sense into you because I heard about your guest list.
You're setting yourself up for failure.
You're setting yourself up for disappointment.
You're setting yourself up to get hurt.
It's better not to invite people who are busy because it puts too much pressure on them to have to say no.
It's better not to invite people who live far away because to expect people to come all that way just to see you get married is unreasonable.
I'll give you the addresses you need, but I don't think you should invite any of these people because I don't want to have to put them up or to find them accommodations.
If you invite [person], I won't come because [person] makes me feel like shit all the time.
If you invite [person they have a problem with], it's guaranteed that [person] will find a way to ruin your day just because they have a problem with me.
Don't invite the whole family.
You have to invite your mom. She's your mom.
You have to invite my friends. They're my friends. They invited me to their kids' weddings.
5.
[When we were thinking of buying a cottage to host it at]
Even if it's what you want, you can't buy a cottage now.
What if it rains?
You can't expect people to drive all that way.
[When we switched it to the arrangement we have now]
You can't fit that many people in your house.
You need a tent.
You need to rent tables and chairs. You have to have tables and chairs. People can't be standing around.
You should rent picnic tables. No, you shouldn't. People might hurt themselves.
You have to rent linens! How can you not be planning to rent linens!? You have to have linens.
Just rent a hall. You can't have everything.
At a certain point, you have to weigh what you want and what's reasonable and compromise and get a hall.
What if it rains?
How will people find the place?
You can't have everybody standing.
You're not going to make us stand for too long, are you?
What if you get there and there's somebody in the spot you wanted? You'll have to get there really, really early.
You're setting yourself up for failure.
[I'm surprised nobody has said anything about parking.]
6.
You're cooking at your own wedding? You can't cook at your own wedding.
Why would you want to stress yourself like that?
Why wouldn't you hire a caterer?
Why would you ruin your day like that?
You're not going to enjoy yourself.
Soup? In August? Ew.
Or you could just have finger sandwiches?
I'll bring the potato salad! (This one was a joke because everybody knows I will not stand for anybody bringing potato salad, aka food poisoning in a bowl. This concept ties into the next one.)
Make it a potluck. That way you won't have to worry so much.
There's no way you'll ever be able to figure out the quantities you'll need.
You're giving your guests far too many options.
I'm not saying you haven't thought this through, but I don't see how it's going to work.
Why are you having an informal wedding with so many guests? It's not going to work.
If you're adamant about having an informal wedding, why don't you just elope?
It's not going to turn out the way you expect.
You're setting yourself up for failure.
You're not having alcohol at your wedding?
What will you toast with?
You can't not have alcohol at your wedding.
Not having alcohol at your wedding is rude and disrespectful to your guests.
Why would you punish all of your guests because you're worried about a couple of drunks?
It's your day, you can do whatever you want, but I'll bring some wine. Or at least champagne for the toasts.
You're having a dry wedding? Nobody has a dry wedding. That's going to be so boring.
7.
Don't tell her I told you, but she's secretly making a cake. She's doing a practice run today.
You're not buying a cake?
I don't get it.
Why won't you just buy a cake?
You have to have a wedding cake!
How will you cut the cake? You can't cut a pyramid of cake balls.
You're making it yourself? You won't have time for that.
You don't realize how busy you will be before the wedding.
You're setting yourself up for failure.
8.
You have no money!
I hope you don't expect me to contribute anything.
You're not omitting things because of the budget are you? You're getting everything you want, right?
You have to spend the money! It's your wedding!
You have to spend the money! It's a once in a lifetime thing! We'll spend the money.
I hope you don't think this is some sort of contest because I can't match the help they offered.
[Just a note here- this section in particular, which is a sensitive subject for the people involved in it, has gotten resolved beyond anything we imagined. We still don't want to spend that much money because it is kind of a waste of money, but still, it's nice to have the support and to not have to worry about it so much. We are grateful.]
9.
I don't know what you expect your photographer to do, but you have to have the standard shots.
Why are you getting a photographer? That's a waste of money.
Why are you getting a photographer? Guests will take tons of pictures anyway.
Why not just get a local photographer?
Why this photographer? Why not shop around?
Why is the photographer such a huge chunk of your budget?
Forget it. We'll think of some other way to get pictures.
10.
September? People will be in school or too busy.
We're going away then, so you should pick a different day.
You should check with [whomever] before setting the day to make sure [that person] is free.
Why so early? The day's going to be so long! The people with kids won't like it. What? You expect everybody to leave by suppertime?!
11.
[When I was considering spray roses and vendela roses]
I looked for the flowers you wanted and they're too expensive. They're $3 each [i.e. not priced in bulk].
You're doing your bouquet yourself? You're not going to have time for that.
You want pink?
Just roses? Really?
[When I got my artificial flower bouquets on etsy]
You're not going to have real flowers?
Really? Fake flowers?
Really? Just white?
You got them already? Are you sure that's what you want?
12.
[This part will be relatively short, but for this one, above all the others, we got the same questions so, so, so many times from so many different people.]
I don't get it.
It's a bit too cynical for a wedding, don't you think?
Why would you want the picture on it to be scary?
Why teeth?
Why black?
Why not just use the original picture?
I don't get what you want to convey.
Why that size?
It has to be a card so people can open it up and sit it on a table.
Why do you have a map on it? Everybody has access to google maps now.
North isn't north on your map.
The lake is on the wrong side on your map.
The paper you want too flimsy.
You're not going to put the cigarette paper in it? Invites always have this weird cigarette paper in them. You should buy some rollies or something and stick them in there. [That one was a joke. I still haven't figured out what invitey cigarette papers he was talking about. :D]
13.
You're not going to dance? You have to dance.
You have to have a dance floor.
You're not getting a d.j.?
Princess, it's not funny. It really isn't. [That was Mike when I suggested we dance our first dance to "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow" by Amy Winehouse. :D]
14.
But you're not cat people.
They're not very pretty.
Ok, they're funny, but really, think of something else.
Sure, I'd keep mine, but think of something else.
They're not very romantic.
They're not very personal.
Why?
Shotgun two monocle kitties! [That wasn't a complaint so much as really funny.]
15.
I haven't gotten any flack for the veil. That's why I put that on here. Well, aside from the ladies at the store. They were a little clueless about how a veil with a comb would not work in thin short hair. But all in all, especially in the store, my entourage was pretty helpful and supportive.
16.
Hair and make up! Eee! I haven't even booked a thing or decided anything for this. I'm quasi-in-between hair people too. So it really is up in the air. Mike thinks I shouldn't wear make up at all, but naw, I think I'll wear some, but nothing too dramatic. I still want to be me. I'm hoping somebody can teach me how to do my make up so I can do it myself. We'll see. It might be too much pressure. All that to say, I haven't gotten any flack for this because I haven't decided a thing yet. :D
Anyway, so there you have it. A summary, albeit probably with tons of stuff missing, of all the flack. Add to that the general criticisms about how our wedding is unconventional, how we haven't thought things through, how by not doing things like the mainstream, we're setting ourselves up for failure or disappointment or regret...
It goes on and on.
It's at the point now where I really don't care what people think. Why didn't I invite Aunt X to my wedding? What if she asks? Let her ask. I'll tell her flat out why she's not invited. Why? Because I don't care. Why don't I care? Because people have been criticizing from the minute we announced our engagement and frankly, when you tell them however tactfully and carefully that you're going ahead with things the way you want them, they get hurt anyway, so fuck it. Very, very few people have considered our feelings in all this (and the ones who really have, thank you forever), so I'm done being diplomatic. If you can't understand the toll it takes on us, if you don't know us well enough to know we're both sensitive people and if you do know us well enough but just don't care, then I don't have any reason to try to spare your feelings about our wedding.
Because hey, we're not doing it wrong, we're not making a mistake, we do have our priorities straight, we are doing it the way we want to do it, we can do it the way we want to do it, we are able to pull off whatever we choose to pull off, we do know what we're getting ourselves into, we're not setting ourselves up for failure, regret or disappointment, we are being true to ourselves, our relationship and our future, and we have thought it through. All of it. Carefully.
And so far, everything has worked out magically.
Like my friend's mom used to say, when you're on the right path, the doors will open. By that logic, nothing in my life has ever been more right.
So Michael, even if we're the only ones who get it (even though we really aren't because we do have some strong support in our corner), it is our day and we can do it because we're a fucking awesome team. And the invite says it too- they're invited to witness the awesome. Until then, they'd better just work on not expecting us to have the wedding of their dreams and instead, get themselves ready for our wedding because there will be nothing else like it because there is nobody like us. *shrugs*
What if it rains? Bring it.
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Registry... it continues...
I added some things to the registry on pinterest. If anybody has any idea what else to put on it, please help me out. This is the hardest thing about the wedding planning so far- harder than family politics, finding a location, wrangling the list and the invites.... all of it.
Any ideas? What do regular people need? Or want? We totally have everything we need...
Gah.
Any ideas? What do regular people need? Or want? We totally have everything we need...
Gah.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
The ugliest side of weddings...
Planning a wedding, as I'm learning, is both the most amazing bonding experience and the most confrontational experience of my life.
It's bonding because there are these people around me who just stepped up from Day 1 and have just been in my corner the whole time, helping me, encouraging me, getting me out of various ruts and funks...
And confrontational because every step of the way there are people who I feel are completely against me, against us, against this wedding, against me or us being happy, and against being out of control of this thing. And no matter how hard I've tried to not let it affect me, it does. From deciding on the guest list and having strong push-back about that, to having to deal with those who are not invited and the offense that causes, to people just generally invading our wedding by making plans for it without us, the antagonism of getting married wears a girl thin. Add to that the number of friends I've lost just by getting engaged? The ones who used to be close friends who have displayed clearly jealous behavior to me about it? Not to mention all the guy friends I've had to come to terms with losing (those terms being that they only wanted me for one reason and without that reason, I'm useless to them).
It's such a strange experience overall. I've come to terms with the choices I've made and I'm at the point now where I'm generally not very diplomatic about the things I've thought long and hard about, but there are still a few people who have the ability to really upset me, especially when they make unilateral decisions about our wedding without consulting us at all or, to be honest, when they're completely indifferent when they shouldn't be (or I feel they shouldn't be). It's like they're either happy for us or they're really not. There's no in between.
At the end of the day, all that matters is that I'll marry this guy and we'll be a team, but I can't help but feel that these issues are a symptom of other things. Will the invasive people grow more invasive with every life event we go through? Will the indifferent people be supportive in the long run? And the jealous ones- should I be bracing for a goodbye?
I guess it's about boundaries. If we don't set them now, we may be opening the door for these sort of toxic behaviors to rear their ugly heads later on. I'm not good at boundaries and I'm even worse with bullying (when it comes to me). I tend to retreat and shut down.
I don't want to shut down about wedding things, you know? So many times throughout this planning, I've hit that point where I shut down and I've told Mike I just don't want to do any of it anymore. He usually talks me off my ledge, but it'll happen again. And again after that. And each time, I know I'll react the same way.
The most irritating thing about it is when people are being utterly controlling and then at the end of it, they say, "It's your day." Really? It's our day? What about your controlling behavior points to you actually believing that?
One of these days, I'll learn to be assertive.
In the meantime, there's always blogging...
It's bonding because there are these people around me who just stepped up from Day 1 and have just been in my corner the whole time, helping me, encouraging me, getting me out of various ruts and funks...
And confrontational because every step of the way there are people who I feel are completely against me, against us, against this wedding, against me or us being happy, and against being out of control of this thing. And no matter how hard I've tried to not let it affect me, it does. From deciding on the guest list and having strong push-back about that, to having to deal with those who are not invited and the offense that causes, to people just generally invading our wedding by making plans for it without us, the antagonism of getting married wears a girl thin. Add to that the number of friends I've lost just by getting engaged? The ones who used to be close friends who have displayed clearly jealous behavior to me about it? Not to mention all the guy friends I've had to come to terms with losing (those terms being that they only wanted me for one reason and without that reason, I'm useless to them).
It's such a strange experience overall. I've come to terms with the choices I've made and I'm at the point now where I'm generally not very diplomatic about the things I've thought long and hard about, but there are still a few people who have the ability to really upset me, especially when they make unilateral decisions about our wedding without consulting us at all or, to be honest, when they're completely indifferent when they shouldn't be (or I feel they shouldn't be). It's like they're either happy for us or they're really not. There's no in between.
At the end of the day, all that matters is that I'll marry this guy and we'll be a team, but I can't help but feel that these issues are a symptom of other things. Will the invasive people grow more invasive with every life event we go through? Will the indifferent people be supportive in the long run? And the jealous ones- should I be bracing for a goodbye?
I guess it's about boundaries. If we don't set them now, we may be opening the door for these sort of toxic behaviors to rear their ugly heads later on. I'm not good at boundaries and I'm even worse with bullying (when it comes to me). I tend to retreat and shut down.
I don't want to shut down about wedding things, you know? So many times throughout this planning, I've hit that point where I shut down and I've told Mike I just don't want to do any of it anymore. He usually talks me off my ledge, but it'll happen again. And again after that. And each time, I know I'll react the same way.
The most irritating thing about it is when people are being utterly controlling and then at the end of it, they say, "It's your day." Really? It's our day? What about your controlling behavior points to you actually believing that?
One of these days, I'll learn to be assertive.
In the meantime, there's always blogging...
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